Woody Allen Quotes

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.

Woody Allen

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Woody Allen

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

Woody Allen

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

Woody Allen

When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.

Woody Allen

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing "Embraceable You" in spats.

Woody Allen

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Woody Allen

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Woody Allen

I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Woody Allen

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Woody Allen